It is not known who exactly was the genius to say – Hey, let me take a needle, plug it in ink and shove it in my skin – but the origins of tattooing predate Miami Ink and other reality shows by a lofty 8.000 years or more.

And considering the migrations of humans through the cradle of our species timeline, it would appear that the practice is even older that. In Eurasian cultures, it’s been present since the new Stone Age some 13.000 years ago, as many sculptures found from that period feature men and women with inked markings all over their bodies.

But how did it all being?

It would appear that the reason for tattooing were just as versatile as the areas where first tattooed fossils have been found.

Oldest one to date is an old mummy of a Peruan male, who walked the Earth some 6.000 years before Jesus walked on water, and who sported a mustache tattoo on his upper lip, mainly for cosmetic purposes – to appear more handsome and thus more seductive to his wife (Latino lovers… who can blame the guy…)

Basically he got a tattoo to get laid.

But why didn’t he just grow mustache? How the hell do I know… go ask a mummy.

Either way this “I hope I get laid” aspect of tattooing held on through the history, as many cultures used tattoos to emphasize fertility – such as Egypt and Romania, and we still see the same today, as many members of the human species try to make themselves more shaggable by putting ink into their epidermis.

Does it help? Only if the other side is really drunk.

But it is not all about sex (seriously?). Tattoos were used for many different purposes, and here is just a few.

To communicate status and hierarchy such in the Kayan tribe of Borneo, where only the Big Mamas could have their skin inked.

In Roman Empire on the other hand tattoos were solely reserved for slaves and criminals, and in some cases the military, as they considered the human body to be perfect as it is.

During the Crusades, Templars and Christian solders tattooed big crosses on their bodies, so they may get a proper burial if they died in the battle (I don’t know what was the procedure if they died on toilet)

In Maori culture, tattoos were total mainstream, in fact, you had to do it… And considering how painful it was to get a facial tattoo with the hand / stick / hammer technique they used, giving up half way through would leave a Maori with an unfinished tattoo – a not so gentle reminder that he is a pussy.

And in Iroquois tribes and some others, tattoo was a like a calling or a business card… Bludgen someone to death, and etch your own trademark tattoo, so that everyone knows you are not to be fucked with… Certainly less subtle that the business card scene from The American Psycho.

Pirates and sailors wore them to mark and represent their travels and achievements, and even the high class society in Victorian times had an unhealthy obsession with sub-dermal ink.


There is however one interesting clue to how it might have all began. And the clue lies in the Alps, where the hero of our story remained frozen for over 5.200 years.

Behold the story of Otzi The Ice Man